Pun and Wit intended!

1 . How does an attorney sleep? 

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

2. "I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

3. I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

4. How do you make holy water? 

You boil the hell out of it

5. When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

6. Will glass coffins be a success? 

Remains to be seen

7. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

8. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? 

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

9. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

10. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any

12. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? 

A maybe

13. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. 

I lost my case

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

15. A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils

16. She had a photographic memory but never developed it

17. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

18. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

19. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

20. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve

21. Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

22. The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

23. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

24. Need an ark? I Noah guy

25. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

26. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

27. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus